Wikipedia: Hedgehogs
by Taranea
Summary: A party and everyone s present! Little Cream gets her paws on a laptop and Sonic s worst nightmare ensues as his ‘friends’ discover the awful truth about hedgehogs in a very well known encyclopedia…
1. Chapter 1

Allright, this fanfic takes place in the Sonic X universe. Before you all scream and run away, I have to add that none of the humans will make an appearance, but I need this adventure to be set on earth. You don´t need to know Sonic X to enjoy it..

(If you find the introduction boring, just skip to the part where the actual jokes start, a few paragraphs down where the **bold **begins. )

Disclaimer: I own neither Sonic the hedgehog nor any related characters nor the article I used as a basis for this fiction.

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**Wikipedia: Hedgehogs**

_by Taranea_

**Chapter One:** **Happy Doomsday!**_  
_

Sonic comfortably stretched out on the grass, drinking in the sunlight of this beautiful day.  
Three of the Chaos Emeralds still needed to be found, Robotnik was as usually at large and probably building a Giant Flying Fortress of Immediate Doom (or just playing Scrabble with his robots) right at this moment, but for now, all the blue hero cared for was relaxing in the wonderful warmth of this day.

"Right, Cream! Open your presents, you've waited long enough!"

He smiled as he heard Tails' eager voice. Today was little Cream´s birthday and they had come out here to have a pic-nic to celebrate it. Amy had gone back to the Thorndykes' house to fetch some ice-cream but most of the other Mobians who had landed on Earth were there, since not even the stubborn echidna could resist the adorable rabbit when she had presented him with his invitation, complete with tiny ribbon and all. ("Please, Mr. Knuckles? Pleeeease?") Even Shadow was present, as he currently had no other place to stay. The only ones missing were the Chaotix but maybe they´d show up later.

Sonic sat up to grin at Rouge who was now nearly being hugged to death. Maybe not such a bright idea to give Cream her first diamond necklet…

Knuckles, rushing to the rescue, quickly saved the bat by distracting the hyper-active rabbit with his own present. He received a pink flower-necklace for his troubles, much to the amusement of Sonic.

"Aww, Knuckles, it clashes with your fur, how can you?"

"I´ll wipe that smug grin right of your mug, you…"

"Mr. Knuckles, don´t you like it?" Cream had stopped unwrapping the present and was now staring teary-eyed at the red guardian.

"No, no, no Cream, it´s great!" And if that annoying blue freak didn´t stop giggling right _now_…

The echidna´s present turned out to be a pair of oven mits, which was nice, since Cream loved cooking.

"Now it´s time for mine!" Tails announced, handing her a flat, yet heavy, package. When the rabbit had opened it, however, she was puzzled.

"What is this?"

"It´s a laptop! I made it myself, you can use it to surf in the internet so you don´t get bored when you have to stay at the house all day," he proclaimed proudly, turning the gadget on and starting (predictably) Firefox.

"The internet?" Cream looked even more confused.

"Yeah, it has games and pictures and everything! For example, there´s Wikipedia, a huge human encyclopedia from which you can learn a lot about this world."

That got everyone´s attention. 'Urf', as the humans called it, was still a strange place for them and the prospect of learning more about it seemed attracting.  
They gathered around the screen as the wireless connection stabilized and Tails typed something in the URL field of the browser.

"Here, see?" he said, as the main page had loaded. "Everything you could possibly want to know. Anyone interested in something in particular?"

"Oh, I know!" Cream piped up, "Let´s see whether they wrote something about Mr. Sonic! His adventures are always so amazing!"

Sonic, having heard his name, trotted over to them and sat down as well.

"This is strange…" Tails said, "There´s no article about 'Sonic the Hedgehog'. But they do seem to have something about hedgehogs. Let´s see what they say…"

Sonic grinned. "Oh yeah, hedgehogs. Very cool dudes in general."

Knuckles snorted.

Cream smiled. "That means we will be reading up on you, too, Mr. Shadow! Oh, isn´t that exciting?"

Shadow looked at her, then stated: "But I am not a hedgehog."

General staring.

"I am the Ultimate Lifeform."

More staring. General sweat-dropping.

Tails began to read out aloud:

**Hedgehog **

**From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia **

**The name 'hedgehog' came into use around the year 1450, derived from the middle English word 'heyghoge'. Other folk names include 'urchin', 'hedgepig' and 'furze-pig'.**

"What? Sonic stuttered, "_Pig_?"

"Well, as far as your appetite goes, they certainly got that one right," Knuckles said, grinning. "Keep reading, that might be interesting."

**Hedgehogs are easily distinguished by their spines, which are hollow hairs made stiff with keratin. Their spines are not poisonous or barbed and, unlike the quills of a porcupine, cannot easily be removed from the animal. **

"You sure about that?" the echidna asked, yanking Sonic hard on one of his back spines, causing the hedgehog to land on his behind with rather more force than necessary.

"Hey!" Sonic, who was by now reading on the grinning faces of the others that this might very well become rather humiliating rather quickly, tried to signal to Tails to stop. The fox, oblivious to everyone else around him, ignored the frantic waving.

**When under extreme stress or during sickness, a hedgehog will lose spines.**

Knuckles raised an eyebrow. "Under extreme stress? Well, Sonic, when you´re fighting against Eggman again, you might want to watch out for that, it could be embarrassing…" Even Cream had to giggle at that.

**A defense that all species of hedgehogs possess is the ability to roll into a tight ball, causing all of the spines to point outwards to sometimes even attack the intruder, by trying to ram into the intruder with its spines, leaving rolling as a last resort.**

"Well, at least they got that correct," Sonic admitted grudgingly, "I was starting to think that the one writing this was a serious nutcase…"

**While forest hedgehogs have relatively few predators, primarily birds (especially owls) and ferrets, smaller species like the Long-eared Hedgehog are usually preyed on by foxes.**

Every face turned to Tails. Silence descended. Sonic slowly shifted away from him.

The fox looked up: "…what?"

**All hedgehogs are primarily nocturnal, although different species can be more or less likely to come out in the daytime.**

"_Nocturnal_?" Knuckles snorted, "Give me a break, the closest this guy gets to 'nocturnal' is raiding the fridge for some left-over Chili dogs at midnight…"

"Well, you forget that he has to hide during the day or Tails would eat him," Shadow stated, sounding serious. Everyone else looked at each other, then howled in laughter.

**The hedgehog sleeps for a large portion of the daytime,**

"You have to admit they obviously know what they´re writing about…" Rouge grinned.

**either under cover of bush or grass or rock or in a hole in the ground.**

"Well…that´s new…" Knuckles moved over, then knocked exaggeratedly at a boulder, yelling: "Hey, Sonic! You awake yet?"

The blue hedgehog groaned. This article was sure to haunt him for quite a while…

I**n general hedgehogs dig out dens for shelter. On their back paws they have 4 toes with long, constantly growing nails. They have these characteristics because hedgehogs burrow.**

"This is ridiculous! We do NOT _burrow_! They´re confusing us with echidnas or something!" Sonic shouted increasingly frustrated over the general amusement, but to no avail.

"Hey Sonic, let´s see your back paws!" Knuckles called back, nearly getting his wish fulfilled by Sonic´s sneaker narrowly avoiding his face.

**Hedgehogs are fairly vocal,**

"Ooooh, Mr. Sonic, you can _sing_?" Cream sounded awed, while Sonic thought that the roboticizer might actually be preferable to this.

**and communicate not only in a series of grunts and snuffles, but sometimes in loud squeals (depending on species).**

"He´s…he´s communicating in…" Knuckles tried to say something but was overwhelmed by shrieks of his own laughter.

**Hedgehogs occasionally perform a ritual called 'anointing'. When the animal comes across a new scent, it will lick and bite the source and then form a scented froth in its mouth and paste it on its spines with its tongue. It is not known what the specific purpose of this ritual is.**

"Let´s hope Amy never takes him into a perfume shop…" Rouge called, stiffling her giggles for a bit.

"You can really lick your back? That´s hard…" a slow, rumbling voice wondered.

Sonic looked up and saw Big the cat. Wonderful.

"Oh, hi Big!" Knuckles greeted the newcomer joyously, "You´re just in time to hear Sonic tell us about the specific purpose of a mysterious hedgehog ritual."

"Get. Blunted," Sonic replied, using a not-so-mysterious hedgehog insult instead.

**Hedgehogs perform well with other pets,**

"_Other _PETS? Have these humans lost their friggin _mind_?"

**including cats and dogs. They are occasionally threatened by these animals, though, but for those rare instances, the hedgehogs just roll into a ball until the threat is gone.**

"Wow, Sonic, you sure are threatened what with Tails and Big here at the same time…" Rouge said in a voice that was positively dripping with fake concern.

Sonic wistfully wished that rolling into a ball would help here, too.

**Diet **

**Although belonging to insectivore family, hedgehogs are almost omnivorous. Hedgehogs feed on insects,**

"Oh my Gosh, Sonic, you ate Charmy!"

"Knuckles, if you don´t shut up _this very second_…"

** snails, frogs,**

"Froggy!"

**and toads, snakes, bird eggs,**

"Well, I guess I understand why Jet the hawk didn´t like you that much, you probably having messily devoured his siblings and all…" The echidna guardian was having the time of his life.

** carrion, mushrooms, grass roots, berries, melons, and watermelons.**

"Apart from the watermelons none of this is right!" Sonic shouted despairingly, receiving only "Go sleep under your rock, you´re nocturnal!" by Rouge as an answer.

**The hedgehog is occasionally spotted after a rainstorm foraging for earthworms.**

"Stop it! I can´t take it anymore!" Knuckles was holding his sides, his stomach muscles already aching from so much laughter. "I hope it rains tomorrow, we can all go spot Sonic foraging!"  
Rouge put on a contemplative face: "That will be hard to do, considering his hydrophobia and all…do they have that in there, too?"

**In areas that have hedgehogs in the wild, they are often welcomed as a natural form of garden pest control.**

"Finally we know why Chris fished you from that pool, you´re a garden pest control…"

Sonic merely scowled at that last remark, mentally already making a list of 'pests' to be controlled.

**Although hedgehogs are lactose-intolerant, they will eagerly consume cheese,**

"Chao?"

"Relax, Cheese, they´re talking about actual cheese here," Rouge said, petting the little creature affectionately.

"Yeah, and Sonic is too busy trying to alternatively eat Jet´s children and Froggy anyway…"

"Knuckles! Remember that Cream´s listening, too!"

**milk, and dairy products, causing illness. The common pet hedgehog (Four-toed Hedgehog) can however have a small portion of cottage cheese as a dietary supplement.**

Everybody looked at Sonic´s plate. It didn´t help the hedgehog much that today of all days he had chosen that cottage cheese sandwich after all the chili dogs had been eaten.

"A common pet hedgehog! That´s what you are!"

"A garden pest control!"

"Want to know what the pet hedgehog has to say to you?"

Amy, meanwhile, had returned and was trying to find out what the commotion was all about.

**Reproduction and lifespan**

**Depending on the species, the gestation period is 40-58 days. The average litter is 3-4 newborns for larger species and 5-6 for smaller ones.**

Loud whooping and cheering from Knuckles´and Rouge´s places. "You hear that? Way to go, Amy!"

Amy blushed and looked shyly at Sonic who was now staring at the ground, trying to hide from the others that he too had gone a little red in the face.

**As with many animals, it is not unusual for an adult male hedgehog to kill newborn males.**

You could have heard a needle dropping.

Then:

"Stop _staring_ at me! The author of that is obviously _insane_!"

More stunned silence. Sonic sighed and pulled Amy down to him.

"See what I´ve been going through for the last quarter of an hour? Well, at least I am not the only hedgehog here anymore." Glaring at Shadow, he added: "Since _someone_ here blatantly refuses to accept his heritage!"

Shadow gave him a cool look. "I am not lactose intolerant. Therefore, I am not a hedgepig, but the ultimate lifeform."

"First of all, it´s hedge_hog_, and secondly…"

"And I don´t eat my young."

"Neither do I and…"

"But you may be forgiven. You lead a harsh life with Tails being a constant threat to your existence."

Sonic dropped his head in his hands, giving up. Amy smiled and put her arm around him.

**The "hedgehog's dilemma" is based upon the apparent danger of a male hedgehog being poked by the female while matin- **

"Finish that sentence and you´re dead, Tails."

"-eh, maybe we should cut that section out altogether!" the fox added hurriedly while he felt his friend´s burning death glare in his back.

**Larger species of hedgehogs live 4-7 years in the wild (some have been recorded up to 16 years)**

Knuckles suddenly stood up and made a very solemn face. In a tragic voice, he started to proclaim: "We have gathered here today to say our last good-byes to our dear friend Sonic, who has now peacefully died of old age-"

"Goddammit Knucklehead, I´m sixteen and you´re a year older than me!"

"Well, it didn´t say anything about the life-span of echidnas in there, did it? You, on the other hand, should be looking for a retirement home in my opinion…"

Sonic didn´t want to start a fight on Cream´s birthday but muttered something about a certain echidna looking for his _teeth_ soon enough.

**Domesticated hedgehogs**

**The purchase of domesticated hedgehogs has seen a considerable increase in the last few years due to their apparently innocent and playful looks.**

"Oh Sonic, that sounds so _cute_!", Amy squealed.

He gave her a disbelieving look. "Modern trafficking sounds _cute_ to you?"

Knuckles raised a finger. "Please note the 'apparently' in the former statement."

**Hedgehogs are difficult to maintain as pets due to their low resistance to climate and temperature changes,**

"…and due to their tendency to blow up stasis pods with Chaos Blast…" Sonic muttered, shooting another baleful glance at an impassive Shadow.

**and their inability to adapt to enclosed environments.**

"Now I´m convinced that whoever wrote this, studied you first."

"You´re positively screaming for a spindash, you know that?"

"Oh, go and perform your hedgehog ritual or something."

**Hedgehog diseases**

**There are many diseases common to hedgehogs, mostly fatal.**

"Lemme guess, among those listed, Thrill-seekingus Irresponsibili ranks first," the echidna remarked dryly.

"Listen, Knucklehead, just because you will probably die before me of sheer _boredom_ from guarding your giant glowy rock, that doesn´t mean that I…"

"Shush, Sonic, we want to hear the rest of it. You can forage earthworms if you´re bored."

**Wobbly hedgehog syndrome is very common.**

Another shout of laughter, followed by: "You hear that, Amy! Don´t let him get near any bars!" Rouge was already red in the face from so much laughter.

**Human influence**

**As with most small mammals living around humans, cars pose a great threat to hedgehogs. Many are run over as they attempt to cross roadways.**

Rouge frowned. "Cars running over hedgehogs?"

Knuckles shrugged. "With Sonic, it´s more likely the other way round…"

**…domesticated hedgehogs will often display a behavior of getting their head stuck in tubes (commonly, toilet paper tubes) and walking around with the tube on their head.**

The shrieking laughter could be heard from miles away, Sonic was sure.

"Who the hell _writes_ this stuff?"

**Culinary use**

**Hedgehogs are a food source in many cultures. Several recipes from the Middle Ages call for the use of hedgehog meat.**

They looked at each other.

"Soon as possible we leave this planet."

Everyone agreed.

_Fin_

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** ooooh yes**, MSTing is not allowed on but this is fairly close...:) and i think this would have been a lot better in script format, what do you think?

**Credits:**

Well, first of all to Wikipedia, of course, where I got the article from! This is not an actual reprint and a lot of sentences were shortened or left out. All hail the web 2.0!

...and then to JudasFM from whom I borrowed the hedgehog insult "Get blunted!" (check out her fics, they´re awesome!).

Also, if you want to see the "wobbly hedgehog syndrome" (I was laughing so hard at this) used in a fic, try reading V_erisimilitude: Invasion_ by Miashin . It´s cool.

**Lastly,** there was an epilogue to this thing somewhere on my harddrive but it´s hiding...oh well, I´ll upload it when I find it.

**Please** leave a review:)


	2. Interlude: Epilogue without a cause

**Well, well, I finally found the goddamn thing, which was actually on my laptop. However, since so many of you have asked for another chapter, I wrote one...which means that my epilogue is sort of redundant now. Damn it. Anyway, the second chappie will be up soon, meanwhile smile at this little thing here and kindly leave me a review! (Or check out my other sonic stuff. An even better idea, I tell you.)  
Thx for you dozens of comments so far:) **

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**Interlude: The epilogue that never took place!   
**

**Sonic the Hedgehog** tried to gather the emeralds as quickly as possible, which led to a drastic shortening of the SonicX series. Other than that, in an attempt to 'set things right' he was also involved in writing a huge part of an article about himself which has actually been posted on Wikipedia now, being a great help to fanfic writers everywhere!

**Shadow the Hedgehog** is still convinced he is not a hedgehog and has been arguing very hard with the producers about the title of his game. Eventually though, he lost, since nobody besides him thought that "Shadow the Ultimate Lifeform from the space colony ARK" had quite the same ring to it.

**Amy Rose,** meanwhile, has been seen buying rather vast amounts of baby clothing and ordering a customized quadruplets buggy.

**Miles 'Tails' Prower**, however, has not been seen at all. Some unconfirmed sources state that he is still in hiding, while yet other unconfirmed sources are convinced that 'no matter _where_ that little brat is hiding, I WILL find him and he will _pay_ for this humiliation! Some best friend he is!'

**Big the Cat** has also vanished since he heard that hedgehogs eat frogs. Personally, we hope that we will _never _see him again, especially _not_ in a game, and if he _does_ show up, we would be delighted to see Sonic actually devouring Froggy. And Big´s face while he does it.

**Cream the Rabbit **has recently taken to surfing the internet rather a lot. Her mother is worried that some 'bad sites' might give her 'ideas.' Her fears were further confirmed by the fact that Cream looked at some really rather more dubious pages, such as pictures of dead animals and coughfanfictioncoughnet. However, Cream has also developed other hobbies, like trying out that new, nice, metal toy Shadow gave her for her birthday.

**Cheese the Chao** was found frightened to death with several bullet holes in the wall around him the next morning. Serves him right for wearing that horrible fly.

**Knuckles the Echidna **broke up with Rouge after he did some Wikipedia research on his own and discovered what bats actually looked like.

**Rouge the Bat** fortunately was trying to break up with Knuckles at the exact same time, since _she_ had seen in the encyclopedia what actual _echidnas_ looked like. By now, they are together again and trying to sue Wikipedia for calumny.


	3. Chapter 2

**Hey there and thx a lot for all of the reviews I have received:) **

**Well, you asked and here´s the second chapter - as for the epilogue (some reviewers have been wondering) it never took place, otherwise our heroes wouldn´t be here for round two, now, would they? ;) I loaded it up just for a quick laugh, you can consider it an alternate ending to the story.**

**I also suggest strongly re-reading chapter 1 before continuing, as some reference jokes will be made. And now...please enjoy! **

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Sonic had been on edge for days so far. When he had not spent his time nervously checking Ella´s cooking books for any suspiciously spiky dishes (and nearly freaked out when he saw a picture of a 'sea urchin cake') he had been mercilessly taunted by the others, getting pestered with questions like: "Already controlled any garden pests today?", or warnings such as "Watch out, Sonic, I saw a _toilet paper tube _upstairs!" 

He had even lost it yesterday (after Knuckles had presented him with an earthworm – 'dug it up myself so you wouldn´t have to forage') and yelled at everyone in the vicinity, only to receive a "Gee, common pet hedgehogs can be so grumpy" from the Guardian and a "He is unstable. This could be the first stage of the Wobbly Hedgehog Syndrome." from Shadow, which was even worse. The black hedgehog-in-denial always sounded so goddamn _serious_ that everyone broke down laughing whenever he uttered a word about that article. Sometimes Sonic thought he did that on purpose.

The Thorndykes were out on some weekend trip or other at the moment (it had been deemed better for everyone concerned that the Mobians stay at home, especially after what Knuckles had done to the cake last time) and Robotnik hadn´t shown any movement in the entire month.  
Sonic was bored out of his mind but had already formed the plan to hold the doctor personally responsible for the entire disaster area called 'Wikipedia' that his horrible race had created. The hedgehog even considered turning Super and maybe force the scientist on some sort of fitness parcour, just to see someone _else_ suffer for a change.

The sun was slowly creeping over the horizon and Sonic sat up and stretched. The hedgehog had taken to sleeping on his back on the roof during the night since that was the one place where he would be left alone. He kept having strange dreams of being a flying Ace in an aerial war, fighting against Robotnik calling himself 'Red Baron' for some reason, but apart from that, this was just fine. (He doubted he could _ever_ forget Knuckles appearing in his doorway at one in the morning, asking "Say, Sonic, hedgehogs sleep under rocks, right?" innocently enough to make the blue hero twitchy for the rest of the night, listening in paranoia whether he might hear any suspiciously large boulders being dragged around.)

Really, that echidna had been deriving _way_ too much fun from that article…

He slid off the edge of the tiles and grabbed a windowsill, swinging himself gracefully into the dining room, looking for some food. Most of his 'friends' (he wasn´t quite sure when he would be able to take the quotation marks off that word) were already there, either staring sleepily into their coffee-mugs (Rouge, who always had trouble getting up), chomping busily on their waffles (Tails and Cream) or wandering around the kitchen, getting out things for their own breakfast. (Discounting Shadow who was content staring into nothingness and murmuring 'Maria' at random intervalls.)

"Good morning, Mr. Sonic!"

"Morning…" And just when he thought that he might actually be able to live at least through breakfast normally, the door opened.

"Guys, guess what´s in the newspaper today!" Everyone looked up to see Knuckles striding in, said paper held out to see.

**English Wikipedia publishes millionth article!!!**

Sonic thought about bashing his head against the wall. Then he thought that bashing the _echidna´s _ head against the wall would probably be even better.

"Knux…" he began, only to be interrupted by the guardian before he could even utter one sentence.

"This is really interesting, apparently there was a huge celebration at their headquarters with a lot of guests– "

"Great, if we get Eggman to drop a bomb there, we might even be able to wipe them out all at once. Listen, Knucklehead…"

"…but you haven´t even heard the best bit:" the guardian continued, unperturbed, "they say here that each day articles are added, lenghtened and improved since they have thousands of writers."

"Yeah. So?" Sonic just desperately wished this subject to be closed. If Knuckles was thinking of cracking just _one_ more 'hedgehog´s dilemma' joke…

"Weeell, that means that in the few days that we haven´t looked up your cool article they could already have added lots of new information." The echidna finished, grinning horribly.

Sonic watched in pure terror as everyone around the table slowly seemed to start smiling as well.

"Guys…you can´t…not _again_…"

"Oh thank you, Cheese! Look, Mr. Sonic, Cheese has even brought us my laptop!"

The others started reading through the awful article again. The hedgehog in their midst was meanwhile contemplating asking Robotnik for asylum. Fortunately, Rouge soon let out a disappointed sigh. "Nothing new here. Seems like they don´t update everything, then."

Sonic´s ears perked up and he swiftly turned around. "Oh. Really? Well, what a pity. Guess you will just have to close this contraption from hell and call it a day, _so_ sorry that your fun has been spoiled." He meant to return to his breadroll after that but then spotted something at the bottom of the page.

"Hey Tails, what´s this writing in blue here?"

The two-tailed fox squinted a little bit. "Blue lettering means a hyperlink…it will show you more information if you click on those words."

"Because…" and now it was Sonic´s turn to grin (which effectively just meant baring his fangs) "…it says here _'Echidnas'_."

"Oh, wow!" Cream chirped, "Does this actually mean that there´s an article about Mr. Knuckles, too?!"

Sonic steepled his fingertips and turned around to face the guardian (who had just assumed an interesting shade of light orange), an eerie glint in his eyes that made him seem creepily similiar to Shadow. "Yes, Cream…let´s read all about echidnas, why don´t we…"

Knuckles bolted for the door, but it was a hopeless attempt. Sonic was there before he had even taken a few steps and now the hedgehog gave the friendliest of smiles…before locking the door and storing the key irretrievably in the dephts of his quills.

"Sonic, you know I could smash that goddamn door whenever I wanted."

"Uh-huh. And then the Thorndykes would throw you out on your spiky butt."

"Who cares?! I lived alone all my life!" The echidna charged forward, clearly aiming for Sonic´s nose with his right fist. The hedgehog waited until he was nearly on him, then…

"No more grapes."

Knuckles froze in mid-punch.

Sonic walked cheerfully past him. "Think about it, Knucklehead. Smash this place up and you can say goodbye to your favorite food until we´re back on Mobius."

The Guardian clenched his fists, cursing his one weakness. The blue freak was right, it wasn´t grape season on this continent and only the Thorndykes had enough money to import them from the other side of the planet… But it was just grapes! Just…grapes…juicy, succulent, sweet, aromatic _grapes_…

"Alright!" he hollered finally, "Bring it on! I´m not afraid! Look that goddamn article up, if you have to, but I won´t take responsibility for anything, you hear me?!"

Sonic punched the air. "Yeah! Come on, Tails, hit that link-thing for all it´s worth!"

Knuckles had to admit, he was kind of curious himself. He was the only one of his kind, after all, and didn´t know much about his race, since he couldn´t even really remember his parents. The article about hedgehogs had seemed like something a brain-dead squirrel (or a human - for Knuckles, these two terms were synonyms) had produced while overdosing on crack and listening to Enya at the same time – but maybe, just _maybe_ they knew something about his heritage here on earth? He clung to that desperate hope as the page loaded and Tails started to read…

**Echidna**

**From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia**

"It´s really small, isn´t it?" Cream asked, as they glanced at the article.

"Well," Sonic grinned, "Just goes to show that no echidna could ever be as interesting as Yours truly, right? Then again, "- he carried on as Knuckles started to glare -

"...I wonder whether they actually mentioned any obsessive tendencies concerning ridiculously large Emeralds, the amazing ability to be tricked on a nearly daily basis, _an annoying habit of pummeling poor innocent blue hedgehogs_-" the hero continued counting off on his fingers as he dodged casually a fist – "not to mention an incredibly bad taste in rap music..."

"You leave my music the hell alone!"

**Echidnas are the only surviving monotremes apart from the Platypus.**

The fighting stopped and the faces of the group were essentially just one big question mark. Knuckles, though, was exited. He didn´t understand much either, but it said something about his race being nearly extinct, right? Maybe he could locate that Platypus guy and find out what had happened to his ancestors…already his brain was developing wild theories.

Sonic, however, frowned. "That´s too complicated, Tails. Just scroll down to the part where it says Gets tricked easily by large, egg-shaped objects' or something."

**Sometimes they are also referred to as "spiny anteaters". The echidna is named after a monster in ancient Greek mythology.**

_On the other hand, _thought the Guardian as the others rolled around laughing their heads off, _maybe the author is just plain insane as well. _

"Watch it, Tails, the monster is gonna eat us if we annoy it too much!" Sonic shouted to his friend in mock warning.

"Naah," the fox replied, "Only if we were ants, don´t forget that." Both had another grinning fit.

**It is a primitive oviparous mammal.**

"What?!" Knuckles had now turned a deep purple instead of his usual scarlet colour while Sonic had to use the wall as support.

"We echidnas are NOT primitive! Our culture has been around for millennia!"

The hedgehog gave Knuckles a patronizing look. "Oh, come on Knuckles, you don´t have to be so oviparous about it."

"You don´t even know what that _means_!"

"Of course I do. Hedgehogs are not as primitive as your little cave-man race."

**Taxonomy**

**Echidnas are ****classified**** into three sub-groups. Some of these sub-groups are still alive today, others are only known from fossils. **

Sonic eyed Knuckles warily. "You know, I wouldn´t believe everything they say in there."

The echidna gave Sonic a surprised look, wondering why on earth the hedgehog would cut short his own fun. "Huh?"

"I mean, we haven´t even figured out yet whether _you_ count as a fossil, so these numbers should still be under discussion." The hedgehog barely dodged the next punch as Rouge roared with laughter.

**The three living Zaglossus species are ****endemic**** to ****New Guinea****. They are rare and are hunted for food. **

Once again, the group had turned pale.

"…anyone up for a 'Knucklesandwich'?"

"Sonic! That´s tasteless!" Rouge chided over the general giggling but couldn´t hide the twitching in her face completely.

The hedgehog smirked.. "I don´t know, these New Guinea people would probably tell you the contrary."

Oh, he had been waiting _ages_ for this opportunity...

**Description**

**Echidnas are small ****mammals**** that are covered with coarse ****hair**** and ****spines.**

"'Spines'? Pardon _me_, but this guy´s excuse for spines could pass for wet socks rather than spikes, if you ask me." Sonic said, stroking his own quills proudly.

"Watch it, hedgehog, or we just might try that 'not easily removable' thing again…" Knuckles took a step towards the blue hero, but was actually cut off by someone else.

"I think as well you shouldn´t torment the guardian."

"Why, Shads, what´s it to you?" Sonic asked, surprised that his black counterpart had opened his mouth without angsting for once.

"He has just learned that his people haven´t found their end as warriors but as the main dish. He is probably in shock."

"Shadow! I thought you were on my side!" Knuckles yelled as Sonic howled with laughter, but the black look-alike merely gave him a condescending stare.

"I am the Ultimate Lifeform. I am on _nobody´s _side but my own."

Knuckles sighed. _I hate those friggin hedgehogs and their attitudes so goddamn much…_

**Superficially they resemble mostly other spiny mammals like ****porcupines**** and ****hedgehogs.**

"WHAT?!" both Knuckles and Sonic stared at each other in disgust, then immediately became offended when they noticed the respective _other´s_ stare.

"There is _no way in freakin hell_ that I look even remotely like that blue punk!" Knuckles declared loudly.

"You´re actually right for once, Knucklehead…" Sonic started. The echidna huffed. "Glad you admit it at least."

"After all, we shouldn´t forget that I have 'playful and innocent looks', while your mother just had to take one peep at you to name you after some monster."

Violent fighting ensued and Tails continued reading.

**They have snouts which have the functions of both the mouth and nose.**

A few moments of silence (with Sonic slowly crawling out of the dishwasher Knuckles had shoved him into) while everyone was trying to figure out what that could possibly mean. Then:

"Ewww!"

The group stared at little Cream. "What?"

The small rabbit squealed. "That means when Ms Rouge kisses him, she gets _bogeys_ in her mouth!"

General sweatdropping.

**Their snouts are elongated and slender.**

"Elongated, huh? Well, Knux, I _told_ you not to stick your nose or mouth or whatever in other people´s business so much…"

Knuckles thought of closing the door of said dishwasher and initiating the programme with the hedgehog inside.

**They have very short, strong ****limbs**** with large ****claws**** and are powerful diggers.**

"Large claws, huh? Scary primitive mammal we have here…" Rouge grinned, then looked at her red companion in a jokingly seductive manner.

"Rouge…" Knuckles was gnashing his teeth. Grapes or no grapes, this was almost too hard to take.

"Ah, but his legs are short. He won´t stand a chance in pursuit."

"Shadow…" the echidna´s tone was even more warning now.

"Even with his elongated nose to track us?"

"SONIC!"

**Echidnas have a tiny ****mouth**** and a toothless ****jaw.**

The mentioned mouth was at the moment opening and closing like a goldfish´s, but without any sound coming out. The stoic guardian was having trouble believing someone would even _think_ about writing that.

"Need to see a dentist, Knucklehead?" Sonic was grinning from ear to ear as the echidna´s head snapped round to him.

"Sonic, if you wish to keep _your_ teeth…"

"Come on, Knuxy, your nose is writing checks your fists can´t cash!"

Knuckles screamed incoherently.

":..I still wonder what oviparous meant…" muttered Tails.

**They feed by tearing open soft logs, ****anthills**** and the like, and use their long, sticky ****tongue**

Sonic made a sick face. "Remind me never to accept an invitation for dinner from you."

"'Long, sticky tongue'…now, Knuckles, what does that tell me about you…?" Rouge gave him another half-lidded look, taking a step towards him, while the echidna suddenly seemed very intent on keeping at least one bit of furniture between them.

"I have no idea what you´re talking about!"

"Don´t be so shy, Knux. After all, with coarse hair covering all of your body and that primitive air about you, you should be god´s gift to women...not to forget that sexy toothless jaw."

**which protrudes from their snout to collect their prey.**

"WILL YOU ALL STOP LAUGHING!" the guardian roared at everyone (except Cream who was quite confused by now).

"The tongue monster! Beware of the tongue monster with the killer nose!" A hysteric Sonic was even making 'spooky' hand motions to illustrate his point.

**The four species of echidna are the only egg-laying (oviparous) mammals, known as ****monotremes.**

"…w-what?"

Sonic was the first to recover. "Well, I guess everyone has to have something they´re famous for. I can run at supersonic speeds, Tails can fly, you produce omelettes…"

"_You take that back!"_ Knuckles was actually shell-shocked. It made a twisted kind of sense, him never having met his parents, if that was true…

"Amy?" Cream tugged at the hem of the red dress inquisitively, trying to get the hedgehog´s attention. "Is Mr. Knuckles a chicken?"

The pink hedgehog shrugged. "Beats me. But actually I have sometimes been wondering whether that guy hasn´t hatched from the Master Emerald and got imprinted on it or something…"

**Echidnas lay a single egg in a pouch on the female's belly.**

**The egg hatches in 10 days and the baby echidna is born blind and hairless.**

"That´s gross, Knux. I mean, one would think that at least by _now_ your looks would have improved."

"Well, _at least_ I haven´t been born BRAIN-DEAD like some hedgehogs present!"

"Pouch-grouch." Sonic shot back, causing Cream to double over with laughter.

**In a few weeks, the baby (called a puggle) develops sharp spines, and must leave the pouch.**

"_Puggle?!"_

"That is SO CUTE!"

The only reason that prevented Knuckles from commiting suicide to escape the female squealing at this point was his duty as a guardian. That, and a strong wish of taking Sonic down with him if he went.

**The mother then digs a nursery burrow and deposits the puggle.**

The group looked at the echidna with horrid stares. "Your mother…_buried you alive?!_"

"What?! NO!"

Sonic shrugged. "Well, you know the fate of ugly Knucklings…",

Knuckles advanced threateningly.

"…even though they are abandoned at birth and their childhood is hard, they will eventually become a beautiful hedgehog!"

Sonic finished, jumping on the cupboard for safety. In closed quarters, strength had the advantage over speed and he knew very well that there would be hell to pay later.

"Come on Knuckles, you don´t have to go all primitve mammal because of just one little pun…" the 'beautiful hedgehog' continued as the guardian slowly took hold of one of the feet of the cupboard,

"I mean, I know that you must have serious psychological issues, your mom carrying you around in a bag and all, but stillaaaAAAh!" he finished, as a grunting Knuckles finally lifted the edge of Sonic´s safety place, letting the hedgehog tumble down to the floor. In an instant, the unfortunate hero found himself pinned down against the ground, a spiky hand closing around his throat and red knees pressing his arms down.

Tails, fearing for the safety of his friend, stopped reading.

"Now," the echidna started in a pleasant enough voice, (that nevertheless hinted at some very unpleasant outcomes if the request was denied) "will you cut it?!"

"I will, I will…" Sonic managed in between giggles, trying to breathe. "…otherwise you might collect me with your long, sticky tongue…" he felt his brain starting to run low on air now, but he managed the horribly alluring tone Rouge had used earlier nevertheless.

Knuckles reared backwards in disgust, flying off the prostrate hedgehog. "Sonic! That´s just plain sick!"

"Actually it´s not." Shadow noted, "It´s called 'Sonuckles' and quite a popular pairing."

"…what?" Everyone looked at the black hedgehog, bewildered expressions on their faces.

The Ultimate Lifeform shrugged. "I just wanted to say that there´s actually worse places for us to go than Wikipedia."

They considered this statement. An agreement never to enter the Internet again was reached soon.

* * *

**Well, what Sonic and co were saying is true - the echidna article WAS pretty small, hence the few facts in there. Not as good as the first chapter, but I hope I made you smile nonetheless...do you want me to continue (there´s plenty of gags in my notebook for the third chappie so far) or should I end it here while the going´s good?**

**As for Knuckles´ infatuation with grapes...believe me, it exists and says so on Wikipedia (where else?), the author citing his character profile on the Japanese website Sonic Channel. ****  
**

**Also, did you like the somewhat elongated introduction this time or should I cut it back to size if there´s another chapter? Please let me now what you think. **

Unimportant Side Note: The millionth article has actually been published in march. Sonic X is quite behind the times, isn´t it?

**Please read and review! **


	4. Interlude: OMG, there´s MORE?

Here we go again!;) Well, the reviewer Gem mentioned that I indeed missed out on a few of the more delicate details of echidnas. The following interlude has been written to correct that. (bows in apology) Now you can thank him/her that you get an update...or write hatemails because it´s their fault that I didn´t do a proper chapter instead.

Just joking of course. XD Enjoy!

* * *

**Interlude: Let´s raise the rating! - What Knuckles Never Wanted You to Know **

„You know...I sure wonder why there´s never anything…_interesting _in those articles." Rouge announced suddenly.

Everyone looked at her, surprised. The fun of the morning already lay hours back – it had stopped quite abruptly with Knuckles hunting Sonic down behind the stove and forcibly extracting the key from his quills (and indeed extracting some quills as well which he seemed to deem necessary). The echidna then proceeded to burst through the kitchen door, planning on venting his anger outside, which had taken the most part of the day.

The Mobians were wondering what the Thorndykes might think of the rearrangements Knuckles had made while taking out his fury – Cream at least thought the metre long trench the Guardian had burrowed through the tennis court an improvement since she could now "plant cute flowers!" where the earth was dug up.

Other than that, Knuckles usually had settled for just smashing up things he considered worthy of his strength and rage…the others just hoped the earthpeople wouldn´t mind some of their mountains missing.

Later, Sonic had held up a pouch and inquired whether crawling into it might make the guardian feel better since it could bring back childhood memories – and the anthropomorphs could be sure nobody _would_ actually notice the mountains missing since a maniacally laughing hedgehog dodging car-sized boulders was quite a display by itself.

Naturally, everybody was by now quite tired (mortal combat can do that to you) and relaxing comfortably in the large soft armchairs and sofas in the living room where Amy had actually managed to get the ingle going. (Shadow had also offered to set something on fire but that proposal had been tactfully declined).

"What do you mean, 'interesting'?" the only other girl present asked with some retardation, stifling a yawn while doing so. Cream had already gone to bed and the pink hedgehog thought that that had probably been the wisest thing to do.

"Well, you know…" Rouge made a vague hand gesture and then grinned suggestively, "..the juicy stuff. 'Roar', if you get what I mean."

"Uhm, I´m not sure that we should…." Tails started, his cheeks already showing the first traces of a red tinge, but Knuckles interrupted him, chuckling: "Well, we already know that there can´t be anything about _hedgehogs_ in that department, don´t we, Sonic? Hrhrhr…"

Sonic, although tired, straightened up immediately, indignant. "Oh, and you would know, right? You don´t even have a girlfriend."

"So? The only thing _you_ have is a semi-stalker. And that weird Chris creature. I would watch out for him, his intentions concerning you seem to be somewhat strange."

"Knuckles!" Amy exclaimed, torn between crushing the exhausted and defenseless echidna underneath her mallet for insulting her or alternatively rushing off to terrify the human boy. If there was _anyone_ stalking Sonic, it would be her! Eh…wait a moment, that was supposed to come out different…

"I, I just wanted to say, pay some attention to who´s listening, okay?" she finished somewhat confusedly. The guardian just smirked. "Why? Cream has gone to bed, right? And I think Tails is already old enough to learn some things. I mean, with that Thornthing boy around, he should at least know what could happen."

"Knux, stop it. I know you don´t like Chris, but that´s going too far. Look what you did to poor Tails!" Sonic had raised himself from where he was sitting and pointed accusingly at the fox cub, who was now busy hiding himself behind his two namesakes and trembling.

"Tails, calm down. Knucklehead is just trying to mess with your head." When that didn´t work, he added: "And Chris isn´t here anyway, okay?"

Sonic sighed as his friend finally lowered his guard and scowled at a snickering Knuckles.

"If I didn´t know better, I´d say you were _drunk._ Or, in your case, 'stoned'."

Silence.

"Oh, alright! Just don´t laugh your spines off while you´re at it!" Sonic threw his hands in the air, exasperated, and made to sit down again, but then a sly look came across his face.

"Well, then again, maybe there _are_ few things we could explore…boot that laptop thingy again, will you, Tails?"

Rouge´s fangs were bared in a broad grin at that prospect, while the echidna suddenly looked very cautious at this turn of events and narrowed his eyes.

"What are you playing at now, hedgehog?"

Sonic folded his arms on the backrest of Knuckles´ chair and laid his head atop of them, smirking at the crimson guardian from above, one leg crossed in front of the other casually.

"Just what you suggested, Knux. Let´s find out some interesting stuff. Just a pity that the _hedgehog_ article proofed to contain so little on this topic…" he let the sentence trail off into silence but every alarm bell was now starting to ring in Knuckles´ head instead.

"And that is supposed to mean…?"

Rouge too shot him now a higly amused look. "Don´t be afraid, darling. This night should be very educational for all echidnas present…"

"Eh…" a very small voice interjected from the other armchair, "I actually found a link to another site about echidnas where it says something about…about…" the voice became even tinier and the older Mobians could all see the tips of the orange-furred ears glowing bright red from behind the screen as he continued, "…e-e-echidna reproduction…"

"WellIthinkIshouldreallygotobednowifyouwouldexcusem-" Knuckles started and tried to raise hastily at the same time but a solid amount of albino bat suddenly in his lap prevented him.

"Now, Knuxy…you wouldn´t want to ruin this evening for us, would you?" she asked, batting her eyelashes innocently and bending towards him, making the echidna feel as if Shadow at last had found the hidden matches and was now using them happily on his chair.

"Yes, Knuxy, we would really like to have you with us tonight…" The guardian turned around and saw Sonic at his other side, _also_ trying to bat his eyelashes and imitating Rouge by pursing his lips.

"You´re horrible, you know that?"

The hedgehog just grinned. "Yup, but you are too tired to smash my head in right now."

"Yes, and you two together look so cute in that armchair!" Amy piped up while addressing with a smile both Rouge and her prey. "Let´s make this a coupling night!" she added in a squeal, dragging Sonic down onto the couch next to the others.

"How about we _don´t?" _ he asked without much hope (but nevertheless managing to gain at least some personal space back).

"Yes, let´s!" came the answer from Rouge, "And that means that you two would make a loving pair, too!" she giggled, indicating Shadow and Tails.

Shadow twitched.

Sonic and Knuckles looked at each other horrified while the two girls squealed.

"I think we should take those Japanese comics away from them." Sonic whispered.

Knuckles nodded, then added: "And we should question Chris why he has those in his room anyway."

Sonic just rolled his eyes. "Will you leave him out of this!" he hissed, then raised his voice to address Rouge. "And you, look what you done! Now his tails have gone all bushy!"

The bat and the pink hedgehog finally stopped giggling and looked at the young fox, who was indeed breathing very rapidly while all his fur stood on end.

"Hey, cutie, I was just joking. Calm down, right?" She asked in a soothing voice, before jerking her head towards Shadow, "Besides, I don´t think you´ve got to worry. He doesn´t seem to swing that way."

"If I had a Chaos Emerald right now, you would be dead."

"See? And _if_ he did, he sure would be more interested in Sonic…"

Shadow twitched again.

"Eh, hey, how about we just read that article?" Sonic asked hurriedly, determined to steer the conversation out of those dangerous waters. _Jeez, what_ is_ it with girls and that shone´n´high stuff?, _ he wondered.

Tails tried to get his voice under control and started to read.

**The reproduction cycle  
**

**Echidna mating is mysterious and primordial.**

"…as soon as I´ve got some rest, you will pay for that, Sonic."

"I think it sounds _sexy_." Rouge stated, shutting Knuckles under her up immediately.

**It is also rarely observed, but the following seem to be the basics. **

"You…you are not really going to read this, are you?" The guardian asked and Sonic noted with satisfaction the slight tremble in his voice.

"But of course we are. Unless, of course, you would care to demonstrate instead…?"

The hedgehog had _not _forgotten that particular gloveful of missing spines.

**When the female goes into estrus, males, usually three or four of them, but sometimes as many as eleven, start following her around in a long single-file march called an ****echidna train**** (or even "echidna love train"). **

"…I will never, ever invite you to join a conga line with me again, Knux."

The guardian was trying to sink even deeper into his chair. Now he wished he _was _drunk.

**It seems very civilized, though it can go on for as long as six weeks,**

"Echidnas – the only caveman race who had already invented the stalker!" Sonic snickered, only to receive another glare from the guardian.

"Well, Sonic, as far as _I_ know, Robotnik has been following you for more than six _years,_ so think about _that!"_

**during which time the otherwise solitary animals eat and sleep in each other's company, and the males nip the female's tail, which seems to be a kind of foreplay.**

"Amy, if he ever tries anything funny with yours, you tell me, right?"

The pink hedgehog blushed and giggled, while Rouge took the opportunity to wink at Knuckles again. "You know, you could nip at my tail anytime…"

Somehow, the earth never seemed to split apart and swallow you up when you wanted it to.

**Eventually the female echidna climbs partway up a tree,**

Tails paused here and frowned in confusion. "Why does she do this?"

Sonic just grinned. "Well, li´ll buddy, if Knuckles was nipping at _my_ tail, I´d sure be running up high objects, too."

"Yeah, and you better prepare for that tomorrow, hedgehog." The scarlet echidna grunted, humiliation already burning within him, only partially dulled by the sleepiness.

"Why? Will an 'echidna love train' attempt to run me over?"

**or buries part of herself in the dirt, leaving the males to walk around and around her until they have created a circular rut in the ground.**

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…maybe they´re trying to set up a tent?" Amy ventured finally.

"Yeah, Knux, is that what you´re trying to do then?" Sonic asked over the giggling that was now overwhelming most of them, except the guardian himself;

"I dunno!" he snapped back, "You paste stuff on your spines, explain _that!"_

"Ooooh, temperamental. I like that." Rouge grinned again.

"He has mood swings", the austere voice of Shadow commented, "He might be going into estrus."

"I´m _male_, goddammit!"

**Then they engage in a shoving contest. The males that get shoved out of the ditch acknowledge defeat and leave peacefully until only one, the best shover, is left.**

"Would you enter a shoving contest for a gem like me, Knuxy?" Rouge asked again, making Knuckles curse his sweat glands for the umpteenth time this evening.

Amy immediately picked up on it and snuggled closer to a squirming Sonic: "And would you enter one for me, Sonikku? Would you? Would you?"

"Uh, Amy…" the hedgehog struggled some more, then shot a quick glance at the equally uncomfortably echidna, hissing, "If you ask me, we should shove _them_ off our laps."

**He gets to mate with the female. The male's primary reproductive organs and testis emerge only during the act of mating; the rest of the time he is indistinguishable from a female echidna.**

"Knuckles, if you ever wanted to tell us something, now is the time." Amy suddenly looked at him concerned and the guardian was confused.

"Yeah, you know, we could understand it", Sonic continued, the edges of his mouth twitching just slightly, "lots of girls at some time want to be boys, so if your name is not actually 'Knuckles' but 'Natalie', we would-"

"Are you _insane?!"_

"Definitely estrus." Shadow muttered, while the rest of the room had just broken out in helpless laughter at the now incandescent echidna.

**The echidna doesn't usually have a pouch but **_**grows one**_** as necessary.**

"…what, like, when you go shopping or something?"

"_That…that isn´t funny!_" Knuckles barked back, who felt secretly terrified. If he ever…no. If that should _ever_ happen, he would throw himself off the island, guardian duty or not.

**After mating there is a gestation period of about three weeks, and then the female lies down on her back, doubles over, and lays her egg right into her own temporary pouch.**

Sonic whistled. "Your race must have the most acrobatic girls I have ever seen." He pondered for a little while. "And you´re sure you´re –"

"YES!"

"Don´t worry." Soothed him Rouge, while sliding a white-gloved hand across his belly, "There´s no pouch yet and at least _I´m _sure you´re male."

Knuckles curled up in fetal position.

**When the puggle starts to grow spines, the mother will bury it. (Echidnas are good diggers; if you startle one it will sink as if by magic into the ground.)**

Sonic frowned. "The last time I startled Knuckles, he tried to sink his spikes as if by magic into my face. That encyclopedia sure is odd."

"What, you only notice that _now?!"_ the echidna asked almost hysterically, his eyes bloodshot and his face nearly as pale as Rouge´s.

The hedgehog just rolled his eyes. "Jeez, Knux, don´t be such a _girl_ about it...geddit?"

Knuckles breathed deeply. "The only thing worse than listening to this article is listening to your puns."

"Just trying to entertain. Never forget, the pun is mightier than the sword."

General groaning.

**Every five to ten days she unburies it and lets it nurse for a while before burying it again. Keep in mind that the puggle is still somewhat fetal while this is going on.**

"Hey Sonic, what´s 'fetal' mean?" wondered Tails again.

The hedgehog shrugged. "If you go by the context, 'traumatized' springs to mind."

**The echidna is therefore "born" three times -- once as an egg, once when the egg hatches, and once when the puggle is evicted from the pouch and hidden by its mother.**

The fox looked up from the screen. "That´s all." Almost to himself, he added, "Wow, that sure was educational…"

Knuckles, having heard that it was over, seemed to recover from his stupor. "I am glad that you think so, Tails. Now the next thing you can learn, if you watch closely, is one thousand and one way to skin blue hedgehogs –"

"Woah, woah, woah!" Sonic carefully edged away on the couch as the echidna was trying to get up from underneath the reluctant bat, "I´m afraid you can´t do that, Knux."

The guardian halted. "Why not?"

"…I don´t fight girls. Even if they are, you know, trains."

A few moments later, Amy and Rouge were gathered by the window, staring out into the morning mist.

"They look so cute when they fight."

"Uh-huh. And I love it when they are so sweaty afterwards…"

Both giggled, then turned away again.

Amy sighed dreamily. "Reading up on that stuff was a great idea, Rouge. The night was so romantic…"

"Thanks. But what to do now…?"

A sparkle came into the eye of the pink hedgehog. "Oh, I know. Tails should learn some more."

Rouge raised an eyebrow, while the little fox suddenly looked very nervous again. "What do you suggest?" asked the bat, curious.

Amy grinned. "After Shadow´s remark I investigated a little...have you ever heard of 'Cross-dressing'?"

* * *

**Yes, the horror that is fanfiction leaks through once more. So, now that we´re all filled in on what young echidnas hitting puberty should know, the next chapter should be regular again, featuring a new species. **

**Credits: This time they go to the amazingly funny weblog "The Sorrows of Young Werewolf" where for some reason a lot of info about echidnas was included. And Knuckles should be glad, cause I haven´t even mentioned the strangest parts. XD**

**I hope I made you laugh and if you read, please review:) **


	5. Chapter 3

Happy April Fool's day, everyone!! :D

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….now before people are ready to lynch me, next chappie's up tomorrow. ;)


	6. Interlude: ACTUAL Chapter 3 XD

I can honestly say that I've never received so many threats of bodily harm on a single day before...which I will _presume_ were all in good humour, of course. (locks front door, then proceeds with typing) ahem. Yes. On a less dangerous note, I am happy to announce the third chapter of Wikipedia: Hedgehogs! :D Over here it's now evening of April, 2nd, so I think I'm still on time. ;) As always, the introduction can be skipped, which is purely to set the scene. :)

Please enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 3:**

„Great. Just great." Sonic slumped back against the wall of the vault that had so recently become the prison cell of the group.

"Trapped in Robotnik´s base _again._ Just peachy." The hedgehog scowled at nothing in particular, before adding acidly: "And guess _who_ has forgotten his trademark Emerald and can´t Chaos Control us out of here."

Shadow glanced at him and it was safe to say that not even Mt. Everest could have managed a more condescending expression.

"I, faker, am immortal."

„So?!" Sonic replied testily, not really interested in the conversation as such but more as a means of keeping himself occupied.

"Meaning, I have all the time in the world until that cell decomposes in its natural course."

"Oh, somebody restrain me before I spin-dash him."

"Just knock it off, you guys, okay? If testosterone opened locks, you two could be the next Houdinis," Rouge interrupted them, sighing. The bat wasn´t very happy with their current predicament, either – on their invading mission, somebody had to have triggered a hidden switch or something and the door of the vault they had been in at the time had slammed shut. Rouge just wished the same would apply to the males' mouths.

"It´s not his fault, Rouge." Knuckles smirked. "Hedgehogs and their 'inability to adapt to enclosed environments', remember? Poor Sonic is probably already wobbly."

"Oh yeah?! Well if you _girl_ echidna could smash through the door, then this hedgehog wouldn´t be-!"

"Guys! Be quiet for a moment, _please,_ I´m trying to concentrate here, okay?" Tails didn´t turn around as he said this, but merely continued working with the wirings of one of the consoles embedded in the wall. He had been trying to hack into Robotnik´s lock system for some time now, and the other Mobians were getting edgy that nothing was happening yet.

"I wish I had stayed at home…" Amy groaned, from where she was sitting against the door, her knees drawn up to her chin.

"Not an option, remember?" Knuckles replied dryly, "Chris all but threw us out after that little 'accident'." His tone made it clear that in his opinion, 'Chris' and 'accident' could also be used as synonyms.

"Yes, and that was all Tails´ fault, too." Rouge commented, pouting. "If he hadn´t made such a fuss…"

"_Excuse me?!" _ Now the fox had stood up as well and was glaring at the white bat, who shrugged.

"Well, if you hadn´t freaked out about these comics and drawn his mother´s attention to-"

"I wasn´t freaking out about those, those _comics! _I was freaking out because _you and Amy chased me down the corridor with mascara and a frilly dress!"_

The kitsune was almost hyperventilating now, both his tails twitching on the floor behind him like mice with a heart attack.

"Uh-huh, yeah…" Amy smiled apologetically and rubbed the back of her head, "I forgot. I guess it was _then _that Chris' mom discovered the manga we had borrowed from him. And he threw us out."

"And good thing she took them away, too!" Tails shuddered, "There…there were two guys in them! And…they were _doing things…"_ the small fox noticeably paled at the next bit of memory that surfaced from the ocean of Yesterdays' Horrors and turned around to the half-assembled computer again, nervously fiddling with the next pair of wires.

"Don´t sweat it, li´ll bro," Sonic tried to calm him. "Girls can be _twisted. _At least we left Cream at home, so we outnumber them at the moment._" _

"Still," Knuckles mused, "If you had let them put that dress on you, you might have discovered your feminime side…"

The Concorde couldn´t have taken flight faster than Tails at this point.

"Quit it, Knucklehead! Stop scaring the hell out of the kit, or else!" Sonic had to shout to be heard over the roar of two tails currently trying to mill through the ceiling.

"…you´ll do _what?_ Threaten me with a toilet paper tube?" Knuckles smirked. "Anyway, you´d find it funny if it was me instead of him."

"Yes, but Tails is _eight years old_!"

"Which in hedgehog age would make him a pensioner."

"WILL YOU STOP MENTIONING-!"

At which point Rouge knocked them both in the head.

"Ow!"

"I agree, ow!"

"Will you guys be _quiet!_ I am a bat, my ears are sensitive. And now my hand hurts too, because your skulls are _hard,"_ The white-furred thief complained once more, rubbing the sore paw.

"Well, your own fault, isn't it?" Knuckles grumbled, before turning around to Tails who had settled down and resumed working once more. "Anything yet?"

"Kinda. I have established connection with Robotnik's systems and right now I'm running a search program to find the specific code for our door. Could take some time, though."

General groaning greeted that announcement and Tails bristled. "Well, it's not my fault that we're trapped in here! It was completely dark when one of us must have stumbled over that switch and it sure wasn't me. Whoever had that idea to go in there without a torch, anyway…"

Four fingers immediately pointed at Sonic. The hedgehog turned his head away and hmpfed.

"I also have contact to the outside. We could send a signal to GUN and ask them to rescue us," Tails suggested in an effort to preserve the peace, but Sonic waved it off.

"Naah. Not with Shadow here. You know he doesn't like GUN - he'd probably emo your head off if you tried calling them."

"We should have sent Rouge into this rigged vault first." Amy sighed. "Bats have that echolocation technique with sound, don't they?"

"What?" Rouge looked up, now the centre of attention. Sapient bats were still able to use ultrasonic echolocation like their feral ancestors, but the white-furred female hadn't bothered with it, because frankly, it gave you one hell of a sore throat if you kept it up for long.

"Really? That's why she always screams at me?" Knuckles now asked Amy, ignoring said bat's 'HEY!' in the background.

The pink hedgehog giggled. "No, it's more like…well, uhm, actually I don't know _how_ it works either. Rouge?"

"The hell?" the bat raised an eyebrow. "As long as things _do_ work, I don't care how they do it. Ask the little whiz-kid." She started to examine her nails at this, but in truth wanted to hear the explanation as well. After all, Rouge found _everything_ about herself interesting.

"Ultra-sonic hearing and echolocation? Well, I kinda know, but I don't know how to explain…" Tails scratched his ear in contemplation, before suddenly perking up. "Hey! Wikipedia!"

Several things happened.

Amy had started to grin. Knuckles and Sonic had scrambled against the door, clinging to each other trembling, before suddenly realizing it and retreating just as hastily to opposite corners. Rouge had begun to look mildly uncomfortable. Shadow was muttering something about Maria and World Destruction, although that probably could have been coincidence.

"Wh-what about Wikipedia?!" Rouge asked, her voice sounding just a little bit too shrill for the forced smile on her face. She had wanted to find out about herself, but _that_ seemed a little bit too high a price. Especially if the humans insisted on filling most of it with the most ridiculous nonsense you could think of, for whatever reason.

"Well, we could read up on you. To pass the time." Amy's smile was as sweet as a shark hiding in your hot chocolate.

"But we don't even have the fox' laptop here…" Rouge muttered, slightly unwilling.

"Well, uh, technically we could, the console is connected to the internet…" Tails piped up and the others raised their heads, now interested as well.

"I say we do it." Sonic said cheerfully, "I wanna know more about that echolocation thing, sounds cool."

Knuckles nodded. "Yes, we should. 'Know thine enemy', after all."

"Hey! What's _that_ supposed to mean?!" Rouge whirled around at the echidna who smirked.

"Tails, I suggest you read. That could go on for ages." Amy waved her hand while Tails just shrugged and complied. In _his_ opinion, adults were sometimes worse than hyenas.

**Bat**

**From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia**

**A bat is a mammal in the order Chiroptera. **

"Well, there's nothing about echolocation here. Though we do know now that Rouge is a member of some strange sect," Knuckles stated.

"I most certainly am _not!_ That human is lying!"

"They all say that. Then they start handing out Watchtower magazines and dance in your corridor." Sonic had already begun to grin.

**Their most distinguishing feature is that their forelimbs are developed as wings, making them the only mammals in the world naturally capable of flight,**

"Hmmph. Well, they would have to be blind not to get _that_ part right." Rouge admitted, only slightly appeased. Maybe that article would spout some correct info after all.

"Wait, what?" Sonic frowned. "Bats are supposed to be the only mammals flying? Tails can fly because he's a mutant, but what does that make you then, Knux?"

**(though other mammals, such as ****flying possums**** can glide.) **

"Wikipedia. An answer for everything." Sonic nodded in satisfaction.

"_Hedgehog…"_ the scarlet echidna snarled now. "You may want to lose another handful of spines?"

"Hey there's no need to be so cross…bred. OW!"

Tails just read on, ignoring the mayhem and hoping the door would open soon.

**There are estimated to be about 1,100 species of bats worldwide, accounting for about 20 percent of all mammal species- **

"...not to forget those 80 percent of jewel heists…"

"And I'm proud of those!" Rouge snapped, determined not to let Sonic's taunts get to her like the others. At least her article didn't seem to be as insane as the previous ones.

**Diet**

**About 70 percent of bats are insectivores. Of the remainder most feed on fruits and their juices. **

"Next time you go foraging for earthworms, Sonic, you should pick up some for Rouge," Knuckles commented. "Everything else would be rude."

"Shut – shut up!" Sonic shot back, who was already regretting to start bringing up earlier articles.

"I agree, shut up." Rouge sighed in irritation. "That's not what I eat, anyway."

"Oh really? Then what-?"

**Three species sustain themselves with ****blood,**

"…anybody got some garlic handy?" Sonic looked slightly pale.

"That sect thing should have clued us in. Probably virgin sacrifice and everything." Knuckles nodded grimly.

"Stop it!" Rouge was exasperated. "That's not funny!"

"Her face is white from lack of blood. She will feed soon," Shadow muttered from his corner, making the rest of the group crack up again.

**some preying on vertebrates.**

"Don't eat me! Eat Cheese!" Sonic pleaded.

"Or Chris!" Knuckles suggested.

"Or Omochao!" Amy chimed in.

Knuckles frowned. "…does that thing count as a vertebrate?"

Amy just shrugged. "Does _Chris_ count as a vertebrate?"

"Fair point."

**At least two known species of bats are cannibalistic. **

"Stop _staring _at me!"

"Whatever. At least me, Amy and Knux can only get eaten by humans, not by relatives…"

"I _swear_ as soon as we're out here-!"

**One species, the Greater Noctule bat, is believed to catch and eat small birds in the air. **

"Have we actually ever _seen_ Jet since that tournament?"

"Must be a scary sight. Imagine, Rouge catching up to you on her extreme gear, waving that salt dispenser…"

Amy and Sonic broke down laughing at their comments, with mostly everyone else joining in.

**Bats also perform a vital ecological role by pollinating some flowers; indeed, many tropical plants are totally dependent on bats. This role explains environmental concerns when a bat is introduced in a new setting. **

"See?" Knuckles nodded to Rouge. "_This_ is why I can't have you on my Island. You upset my environmental systems."

"…not to mention your nervous system and hormones, huh, Knux? Winkwink." Sonic grinned broadly, nudging the echidna repeatedly with an elbow until a death glare sent him scrambling away, still snickering.

**Classification and Evolution**

**Little is known about the evolution of bats since their small, delicate skeletons do not fossilize well. **

"'Small delicate skeletons' up my spines," Knuckles grumbled, rubbing the spot where Rouge had knocked him earlier.

"Oh, come on," Sonic commented, "You're just afraid she might have pollinated you by accident."

"Yes, puts a whole new meaning to the 'birds and the bees' thing, doesn't it?" Amy asked, grinning, while Tails behind the monitor once more flushed bright red.

**Today, there are two suborders: Megabats and Microbats**

"What do you think Rouge is?" Tails asked at that, for once actually genuinely interested, as was Rouge. She had been an orphan, and didn't know any other bats on Mobius, so that was new information for her.

"She must be a Megabat," Shadow stated. "Some body parts of her are of an unusual size."

Silence followed.

Sonic's shoulders were trembling with suppressed laughter as the blue hedgehog was hunched over, but he would _not_ make the mistake of drawing Rouge's attention to himself at the moment.

"_Just…just WHAT…!" _Rouge was staring at Shadow like a Mrs Kill Bill in furry disguise.

The black hedgehog shrugged, oblivious. "Your fangs are longer than any of ours. It's obvious, really."

More silence.

**Bats are also traditionally grouped with the tree shrews. However, molecular studies have placed them as sister group to ****Ferungulata**** - a large grouping including carnivorans, ungulates and ****whales****. **

"Keep her from thrashing the console! Otherwise we're trapped forever!" Sonic gesticulated wildly while Knuckles tried to hold back a clawing and hissing Rouge.

"I'll _kill_ the author of this article! I'll _show_ him just how much I'm related to-!"

"Knux, tame the tree shrew already, willya?!"

The bat, unable to break the echidna's hold, just hissed again.

_Forget__ Earth. All of its inhabitants are mad._

**Anatomy**

"Should we skip that? I mean, my li'l buddy is probably still traumatized from the last episode of that sort…OW! Knux, she _bit _me!"

"If you can stop reverting to complete feral for one moment, this part is actually about the echo-location," the fox noted.

**By emitting high-pitched sounds and listening to the echoes, also known as sonar, bats locate prey and other nearby objects. This is the process of echolocation. **

"…so Rouge squeals every time she sees the Master Emerald?"

"Pretty much, yes." Knuckles sighed.

"Strange behaviour for a whale…"

At which point Rouge screamed for real in ultrasound, and everybody wondered why the two-tailed canine in their group suddenly covered his ears while shrieking.

**The teeth of bats resemble those of insectivorants. They are very sharp in order to bite through hardened armour-**

Sonic, who had been on the verge of cracking another joke, snapped his mouth shut and threw away the invisible key. Rouge gave him a dazzling grin. Everyone else also paled considerably.

**- hardened armour of insects or the skin of fruits. **

It was then that the white-furred thief realized the last shreds of her dignity had bought a one-way ticket to the next dumpster. Everyone now rolled around on the floor laughing their heads off and shouting things about threatening cherries.

**The surface of their wings are also equipped with touch-sensitive receptors on small bumps called Merkel cells.**

"…'bumps'?" Knuckles wondered and Rouge had just extended one wing in slight shock, now checking.

Amy shrugged. "Maybe like plaguespots or something."

Shadow shook his head. "You are in error. Rouge is obviously related to the German Chancellor."

"What?!" the bat looked at him, her wing folded again, but her fur ruffled and eyes twitching ever more badly, "That doesn't even make any _sense_!"

Shadow was unperturbed. "It does. Angela Merkel, hence the grouping with the whales."

Attacking Shadow was generally suicidal, but they all agreed that Rouge at that point had seemed pretty close.

**One species of bat has the longest tongue of any mammal relative to its body size. **

Sonic scrunched his snout up, slightly disturbed. "Geez, another one with that tongue thing. You two were really made for each other, you freak me out…"

Rouge just looked slightly worried. The worst thing about these articles were that they stayed in your head. To think that she had _laughed_ when she had heard the echidna muttering about pouches in his nightmares…

**This is extremely beneficial for them in terms of pollination and feeding – their long narrow tongues can reach deep down into the long cup shape of some flowers. **

"Didn't that article state something about her pollinating stuff on Knux' island?" Amy wondered aloud.

Sonic grinned. "Sounds more like 'deflowering' to me…"

"Guys! That's gross! I won't read anymore if you keep that up!"

Shadow only shook his head. "The fanfiction site corrupted them. It is a sad story."

**When their tongue retracts, it coils up inside their ribcage. **

Everybody stared at Rouge's 'ribcage'.

"…maybe we should just skip that part. But it _is_ an explanation." Sonic muttered, his eyes wide, while Rouge was meanwhile mentally swearing on her mother's grave that she would join Robotnik as soon as this gig was over.

**Reproduction**

"I want _out_ of here! I'm _not_ gonna have that part read with you guys leering at me!" Rouge shouted, ignoring Amy's protest at her inclusion with the males. The only one she leered at was Sonic! Uhm…not saying that out loud, of course…

**A single bat can live over 20 years, but the population growth is limited by the slow birthrate. **

"What _is_ it with humans trying to give us ridiculously short lifespans?!" the pink hedgehog complained now, crossing her arms.

Sonic shrugged and patted one of his quills. "Probably just jealous of our good looks."

**Mother bats have usually only one offspring per year, and they are viviparous. **

"…uhm, what's that mean?" Tails poked had turned around to the older ones once more, his eyes questioning.

Sonic snorted. "I dunno, but I would hazard a guess that it's somewhere along the lines of 'nymphomaniacal'…"

Rouge shrieked indignancy and the young fox flushed again. "That's it! I'm gonna skip this part!"

**Bats as Vectors for Pathogens**

"What's that?" Sonic wondered. "Tails, go back to that other stuff, this is confusing!"

"No idea, I thought this was about bats, not crocodiles…" Amy scratched her head in confusion.

"In any way, it doesn't sound too good." Knuckles had crossed his arms, while Rouge had calmed down a little. Maybe this was about a new ability she didn't know she had?

**Bats are natural reservoirs or vectors for a large number of pathogens, including rabies, severe acute respiratory syndrome (SARS) and possibly ebola virus. **

The room had gone very quiet. When Sonic spoke, his voice was hoarse. "Tails? How much longer until we can get out of this room and get some shots?"

(Even though the _last _time they'd tried calling a doctor through Chris had ended in a rather taxing phone conversation along the lines of: "…-N-D-Y-K-E. Yes, a hedgehog. No, _not_ a vet. Uh, Sonic wants to talk to you. He's the sick hedgehog. No, I _don't _need a psychiatrist, I need -!')

"She drinks blood, distributes rabies and then goes on to upset the environmental system. Remind me again why we take her along?" Knuckles muttered, ignoring the hissing from Rouge's direction.

"I take more showers than you, echidna."

"But that's only because he can't fit his Emerald into the bathroom," Sonic pointed out, once more apparently very happy.

**Although most bats do not have rabies, those that do may be clumsy, disorientated and unable to fly. **

"Interesting. So you think there's a connection between eggnog and that disease?" Amy asked, and everybody except Rouge had to snort.

"…if I ever _get_ rabies, I'll remember to bite all of you."

"You forget that I am immune to your petty diseases, vampire Kraut. However, I could put you out of your misery, if you so desire," the solemn voice of Shadow came, where the black hedgehog was leaning against a wall, eyes closed.

"Oh, please do. All it takes is letting this machine explode," the bat grated, only getting slight satisfaction from the fact that now everyone was scrambling to explain to Shadow that she had made a _joke_ and that they needed this machine very much indeed.

**If a bat is found in a house and the possibility of exposure cannot be ruled out, the bat should be sequestered and an animal control officer called immediately, so that the bat can be analysed.**

"Do they have a phone number in there?" Knuckles suddenly looked interested.

"But why should they want to analyze the bat?" Amy wondered. "I mean, they're a sort of police, they usually don't bother with psychology."

"Cleptomaniacs need treatment." Sonic shrugged.

**This also applies if the bat is found dead.**

"Frankly said, this world scares me."

Everyone nodded.

"…and you'd need a stake through the heart for that, too."

"_Sonic_!"

**For full detailed information on all aspects of bat management, including how to capture a bat, what to do in case of exposure, and how to bat-proof a house humanely, see ****the Centers for Disease Control's website on bats and rabies****. **

"Let's go there! Let's go there!"

"Shut up, echidna!" Rouge shot a glare at Knuckles who had shining eyes for once. She crossed her arms, turning away. "They haven't built the prison that can keep _me_ cooped up yet, anyway."

"Well, this stupid vault is doing a damn good job so far." Sonic scowled, already getting claustrophobic again. Knuckles meanwhile was bent over Tails' shoulder, the fox trying without success to push the dreadlocks out of his field of vision and getting ever more annoyed, to which the echidna was oblivious.

"No, really. I mean, if they can bat-proof houses, they surely can help out with Emeralds…"

**Where rabies is not endemic, as throughout most of ****Western Europe****, small bats can be considered harmless.**

"That's an insult!" Rouge hissed. The article had been the most insane drivel she'd ever heard. If that Wikipedia thing really could be edited by anybody, she'd have a _lot_ to add to the article about humans. The others merely were grinning again, finding the whole thing rather amusing.

**Larger bats can give a nasty bite. They should be treated with the respect due -  
**

"It's a little bit late to make apologies." The bat muttered, still miffed.

**- due to any wild animal**.

A few floors upstairs, Robotnik was in the process of having an identity crisis. He usually bounced back from let-downs easily enough, but…first, finding your prisoners rolling around in their cell laughing can really put a dent in your evil overlord confidence.

Checking out what they're laughing about, doing some research on that site, and then finding an article about _yourself_, listed as a 'fictional character', is enough to send anyone packing.

'Comically obese scientist'.

Honestly.

And these people _wondered_ why he threatened to blow up their planet?

* * *

Poor Robotnik. Nobody's safe.

Anyway, hope you liked (next chapter should be up somewhat faster, with a certain victim you've all been waiting for) and now...**please review!** :3


	7. Chapter 4

Hi there! Warning: Mild cussing and evil references - proceed at own risk! :P

* * *

**Chapter 4: **

„Strange how Robotnik simply let us go, huh?" Rouge asked the group a little while later as they were walking through the streets of Station square in the evening after having spent all day trapped in the human scientist's base.

"Yeah. He was sobbing at the time, too," Sonic mused, remembering the slightly unstable doctor as he had released them about two hours previously, blowing his giant nose into some table cloth that apparently was supposed to substitute for a handkerchief.

"Uh-huh. And screaming 'Fictional! I'll _SHOW _THEM FICTIONAL!' the entire time," Tails recalled wide-eyed, just a tad freaked out.

"Hmph, humans. They're all batshit insane, anyway." Knuckles shrugged.

"_Excuse me_?!"

"No offence, Rouge."

"Hey, how about we get something to eat?" Amy interjected at this point, gesturing to the Burger Joint they had just been walking past. Noticing how all of their stomachs (sans Shadow's, who had an Ultimate Stomach not requiring such mundane things as food) now started growling and complaining that Wikipedia was a lot of things but not edible, the group was quick to agree.

They filed inside as soon as Sonic had discovered the special offer on a chili dog meal, (incentivizing him to declare his newfound love for mankind again) and it didn't take them long to find an empty booth next to one of the windows. The hedgehog meanwhile had already purchased his food, visiting establishments like these quite frequently.

"Finally, food!" he exclaimed happily as he returned with the bounty. "Can you remember what they expected us to eat in that crazy encyclopaedia? Insects, carrion, birds, raw eggs, _blood_ for Chaos' sake…" he shook his blue head, scrunching up his nose. "I mean, when you can have _this_…" – he indicated the chips fried in rancid oil, chicken nuggets made from hormone-soaked meat waste, diabetes-inducing soft drinks and burgers halfway sure to cause Mad Cow Disease – "…who'd eat such crap?!" he asked, incredulous.

"Maybe humans are just jealous of us and they make half of the insulting stuff up," Rouge shrugged, returning herself with a fruit salad. "Minority complexes because they have no fur."

"You sure?" Tails raised an eye ridge. "I heard human females _have_ fur, but shave it off."

"What?! Who'd do _that_?" Amy asked, flabberghasted. "That must look horrible!"

"Humans have issues," Sonic simply stated. "Probably quill envy," he said, patting his own proudly.

"Mine are longer than yours," Shadow muttered absent-mindedly, immediately causing Sonic's mentioned appendages to bristle, but the black hedgehog refused to be drawn into the intellectually challenging Are not/Are too –discourse that should have followed. Instead he resumed muttering things about secret discs and (apparently lost) computer rooms, but most of the troupe had gotten used to that by now. It was usually the 'I have to kill the President!' –stage of his daydreams that would worry them, but that was still a bit off.

"Or maybe it's tail envy," Amy ventured instead. "I remember at the orphanage we used to argue over who had the biggest one. Pretty silly, when you think about it."

"Uh, Amy, actually, I _think _humans do that too," Rouge commented carefully.

"What? But _how_ would-?"

"Never mind," said the bat quickly, suddenly very interested in her fruit bowl again. "Maybe we, er, should think about how and whether we can go back to the Thorndykes again, eventually?" she asked in an effort to change the topic.

"Yeah, not bloody likely." Knuckles scowled. "Ever since Tails taught the girls how to use that godforsaken invention called the interblag or whatever, the Thorndyke boy's mum threw a fit when she saw where Rouge and Amy had been surfing and thought it had been Chris looking at the pages," he muttered, immediately standing up afterwards to get himself some food as well.

"What?! Why?" Amy all of a sudden looked rather shifty. "All we were looking at were…stories, right, Rouge?"

"…yeah. Stories," the bat agreed and cleared her throat. Knuckles raised an eye ridge.

"'Stories' that made her send her son into therapy?"

"'Stories' that made _you_ try to stick Tails into a dress?" Sonic added.

Rouge and Amy exchanged a sheepish look.

"Well, er, maybe not entirely innocent stories. But they were totally romantic and cute!" Amy defended herself, sitting up just a little bit straighter. "And maybe the characters just happened to be the same gender. BUT! Tails totally deserved it!" She raised her voice quickly before any of the males' brains could properly compute the last sentence and quickly diverted their attention.

"I _deserved_ it?!" Tails asked back, confounded. "_How_?"

"_You _were the one who discovered that encyclopedia and gave us nightmares!" Amy accused, nearly knocking her own diet drink over. "I was spooked for a week by that article thinking that if I get pregnant, it was likely to be with quadruplets!"

"Yeah, like the first part is even probable."

"WHAT?!"

"_Nothing_!" Tails shrieked at the hammer suddenly in his face in panic, thinking he had muttered that last sentence too quietly to be heard, but apparently hedgehogs had also very good hearing.

"Calm down, girl. _I _was the one who was accused of cannibalism because fox boy here had to discover that insane encyclopaedia," Rouge stated with slight irritation. "If he hadn't given Cream that laptop for her birthday, none of this would have ever started in the first place."

"Excuse me?!" Tails called back. "_You_ were the ones who wanted me to continue reading! 'Echidna reproduction! Oh yes, let's!'" he imitated in a high-pitched falsetto, causing both girls to glare at him.

"I had to endure toilet paper roll jokes for weeks!" Sonic shouted, not because it correlated to anything previously said, but just because he also felt entitled to a bit of random accusations.

"Well, _yeah_, but we read it because…because you said it was helpful! That we would learn stuff from it!" Amy huffed, crossing her arms.

"Well, maybe you _did_ learn from it and just don't know it yet," Tails shot back. "Comparisons have shown that Wikipedia is about as accurate as commercially bought encyclopaedias and just because _you_ two wouldn't touch a scientific volume with ten-foot-tweezers it doesn't mean the writers of the articles didn't do their research!" Tails finished, sucking in breath deeply like any geek finally letting it out and proceeding to vent with longer sentences than he has air for. "I'd say you two better get used to an early retirement, you're both way beyond your best-before date," he added gleefully, thinking himself oh-so-clever for referring to the ridiculously short lifespans humans constantly tried to attribute to their respective species. It was only Sonic's trademark speed and a rather harsh yank on his arm that saved him from the hammer crashing down next, though.

"Word of advice, li'l buddy," Sonic said conversationally. "Girls and age. Don't mention it."

"Let me at him! I'm going to _show_ him just who's higher in the food chain-!" Amy howled, but Rouge held her back.

"No, honey, let's do this the civilized way. If the little tyke thinks so highly of this nightmare fuel disguising as an encyclopaedia, why don't we give him some of his own medicine?" the bat began to smile darkly.

"Wha-?" Tails looked unsure for a moment, but then quickly recovered. "Hah, nice try, Rouge, but I gotta disappoint you – you'd need a computer for that but there's none here and the Thorndykes sure won't let you use theirs anymore!"

"Oh, hello Mr. Sonic! Everyone! What are you doing here, Mrs Thorndyke said you were on vacation….?"

"Cream! Honey! My, what a surprise to see you here - why don't you come and sit with us, oh lookit, you brought your laptop, isn't that wonderful!" Rouge cooed in one string of syllables as the rabbit girl had entered the Burger shop as well, having seen her friends from outside. The bat was smiling at the little bunny and disturbingly simultaneously grabbing her computer off her and switching it on.

"Oh, uh, of course you can borrow it, Ms Rouge…what were you doing before I came here?"

"Well, we want to read up on Tails, don't you think that will be really interesting?" Amy asked encouragingly and Cream nodded with enthusiasm. "Oh yes, let's! Reading about Mr. Sonic last month was so interesting!"

"S-sonic!" the fox kit finally pleaded at this. "You can't let them do this to me!" he begged, kneeling on the bench next to his big brother. To his dismay, the blue hedgehog only chuckled.

"Sorry, kiddo. Gotta face the music. 'sides, you yourself claimed there was a grain of truth in there and Wikipedia isn't wrong about everything, you know that…"

"I'll read!" Amy announced cheerfully. "Let's hear all about foxes!"

"But you don't even know how to navigate Wikipedia!" Tails wailed in a last-minute attempt.

"Oh. That's okay," the pink hedgehog girl twirled her hammer and smiled. "If it doesn't do what I want, I'll just hit it – it always works with people!" she announced brilliantly, and if Tails hadn't already been scared out of his wits, that would have torn his last shred of courage. When Knuckles returned with his tablet of food, only offering, "Oh. Another one bites the dust," as comfort, the fox kit didn't so much as moan anymore.

Amy loaded the page and began to read…

**Fox**

** From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia **

**Fox is a common name for many species of carnivorous mammals belonging to the Canidae family**.

"S-see?" Tails asked timidly. "This starts out perfectly normal and correct. Your articles were only insane because your species obviously are."

**Foxes are small to medium-sized canids characterized by possessing a long narrow snout, and a bushy tail (or brush).**

"I dunno." Amy shrugged. "I still think Wikipedia is pretty shallow, defining somebody just by their looks."

"But also incorrect," Sonic threw in. "Tails doesn't possess a brush, not to mention if he ever _uses_ one, it's only because somebody has cornered him and threatens to revoke his TV privileges."

"That – that's not-!"

**_Etymology_**

**The Modern ****English**** word "fox" is ****Old English****, and comes from the ****Proto-Germanic**** word **_**fukh.**_

There was a moment of silence.

"…maybe we shouldn't be reading this in front of Cream?" Rouge suggested.

"Don't take this too hard, kid," Knuckles suggested. "Just because your birthname was derived from a traffic sign pun and your species designation is apparently a German expletive, it doesn't make you anything less worth of a canid."

The others burst into snorting, while Tails muttered something that was non-understandable, but possibly involved Knuckles crawling into a sandwich to die.

**_General characteristics_**

**In the wild, foxes can live for up to 10 years, but most foxes only live for 2 to 3 years due to hunting, road accidents and diseases****.**

"They forgot exploding inventions, motor fume suffocation, _plane _accidents and hedgehog brothers with a pathological lack of risk-awareness, if you ask me…"

"Oy! I saved Tails' life many times!"

"Yes, Sonic, but usually he only needed saving because _you_ were the one who got him into trouble in the first place," Rouge pointed out pleasantly.

**Reynards**** (male foxes) weigh on average, 5.9 kilograms and vixens (female foxes) weigh less, at around 5.2 kilograms. **

"_How_ much?" Rouge blinked. "What's your weight, Tails?"

"Err…about 40 pounds, I think-" the fox kit began, but couldn't finish.

"Sonic! You've been over-feeding him!" Amy chided.

"All those popsicles!" Rouge added. "Shame on you!"

Knuckles nodded. "Yes. You should teach him how to forage earth worms with you instead, I'm sure they're much healthier."

"I told you a dozen times, I _don't-"_

"Hush, hedgehog. Contemplate your bad parenting while we read up on what else you do wrong."

"'Reynard'?" Shadow wondered.

**Fox-like features typically include a distinctive muzzle (a "fox face")** **and bushy tail.**

"Fox-face?" Amy repeated. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Sonic looked down. "Well, personally I'd say he's pulling one on me right now…"

Tails tried to hide his face in his hands. Why did they do this? And he _wasn't _overweight!

**Other physical characteristics vary according to habitat. For example, the ****fennec fox**** has large ears and short fur, whereas the ****Arctic fox**** has tiny ears and thick, insulating fur.**

"Oh, that's interesting. Tails could be a fennec fox, then!" Cream piped up, still not quite having grasped the intent of torture here.

Sonic shook his head as well. "I doubt it. And if physical characteristics varied according to habitat, Tails would probably resemble a spanner."

**Another example is the ****red fox**** which has a typical ****auburn ****pelt****, the tail normally ending with white ****marking****. **

"Hm, that white marking sounds more like him, but the rest of the colours…?" Amy mused, cocking her head in question.

"Why, 'Red fox' totally hits it if you look at his face right now. Onwards!" Sonic commented cheerfully, apparently not in the least bit concerned about psychological damage, or, indeed, horrible payback.

**Litter sizes can vary greatly according to species and environment****. **

"Yup. Depends entirely on whether Tails manages to remember the date of the garbage collection, usually," Sonic nodded sagely.

"I _think_ that meant something else, Sonic…" Rouge added coyly, but was hushed by a hissed '_Cream's here_, _dammit_!' from the pink hedgehog sitting next to her.

**Unlike many canids, foxes are not usually pack animals.**

"Yeah, I'm starting to see why," Tails grumbled.

"Oh, Reynard. Stop being so arctic," Knuckles chided, causing everybody to bend double again.

**Typically, they live in small family groups, and are opportunistic feeders that hunt live prey (especially ****rodents****).**

"Aww, c'mon, you wouldn't feed on your bestest hedgehog buddy, would ya?" Sonic asked, elbowing the kit playfully in the side.

The fox glowered at him. "_Bite_ me."

**Using a pouncing techni****que practised from an early age -**

Sonic laughed. "Oh yeah, I remember! When he was like three or four, he'd pounce on me every chance he got! Wasn't too terribly fond of it back then, but in retrospect, it's pretty darn cute, when you think about it…"

**- ****they are usually able to kill their prey effectively and quickly.**

Everybody stared. Then Sonic _slowly_ scooted away from Tails.

"Err…anybody seen some rocks to hide under…?"

**Foxes are normally extremely wary of humans**.

Sonic snorted (on the _other_ side from the bench, with a table in between him and Tails). "You don't hafta tell me. Tails wouldn't touch Chris with a pointy stick."

"Neither would we, Sonic. That boy is seriously annoying," Amy pointed out. "No idea why you keep defending him."

"Guys…if you'd just get to _know_ him-" Sonic tried once again, but was interrupted.

"No need, Sonic," Knuckles said pleasantly. "There's _other_ things we'd like to do to him with a pointy stick."

The hedgehog heaved a very deep sigh.

**However, the ****silver fox**** was successfully ****domesticated**** in Russia after a 45 year selective breeding program. **

"What?!" Tails repeated, horrified. "That sounds _sick_!"

Rouge nodded. "I'll say! 'Silver fox' really _screams_ re-color fancharacter."

"What?" Sonic blinked. "What on Mobius are you talking about?"

"Don't bother trying to understand," Knuckles waved him off. "They were on that ffnet site again."

"Ffnet?" Sonic asked. "Is that-?"

"A very informative archive indeed," Shadow murmured in his low voice. "If you take the 'breeding program' into account, for instance, we're not talking of an OC here, but of an mpreg TailsxSilver slashfic. Rare, but not unheard of. Possibly WAFF or PWP."

Everybody stared again, but this time _everybody _was also very quick to scoot away afterwards, only this time from Shadow. The black hedgehog did not appear to notice. Tails had started to twitch. Sonic shuddered.

"Chaos. Him muttering about Maria and world destruction seemed _sane _in comparison…."

"Let's…let's just keep reading?" Rouge suggested, secretly hoping Cream wouldn't have the great idea to google any of those terms later.

_**Diet**_

Sonic counted off on his fingers. "Cornflakes, pop tarts, triple-frosted chocolate cake, and usually the last chili dog I was saving for later…"

Rouge wrinkled her snout. "You know, hearing that it sounds like both of you _should_ be on a diet."

"I'm…I'm a growing kit!" Tails defended himself, a world without triple-frosted chocolate cake only sounding marginally less horrible than a future where Robotnik had taken over the planet.

"A growing kit that weighs four times its supposed body weight," Shadow stated. "Clearly, you are pregnant."

At which point Tails started shrieking like a newborn and Sonic had to wrestle to calm him down.

**The diet of foxes is largely made up of ****invertebrates****. However, it also includes ****rodents****, ****rabbits**** and other small ****mammals****, ****reptiles****, (such as ****snakes****), ****amphibians****, ****grasses****, ****berries****, ****fruit****, ****fish****, ****birds****, ****eggs****, ****dung beetles****, ****insects**** and all other kinds of small animals. **

"Ultimate Lifeforms?!" Tails barked feverishly, still struggling against Sonic's arms around his waist with all his might, "Does it say anything about me feeding on Ultimate Lifeforms?!"

"No. But strange cravings are expected for the expectant." The black hedgehog crossed his arms, his face impassive.

"Shadow! Stop it with the pregnancy stuff already!" Sonic called, trying to contain his livid younger brother.

"Well, Shadow could fall under the category of 'snake' at this point," Rouge muttered to Amy, who nodded.

"Yes. Or fruitcake."

**Many species are generalist predators, but some (such as the ****crab-eating fox****) are more specialist.**

"Crab-eating fox? You're not one of those, Tails, are you? I don't like sea food very much…" Cream asked wide-eyed, not having understood much of the antics going on between the older Mobians.

Rouge patted her head. "Don'tcha worry, darling. If you take a look at all this fast food he's got piled up there, it's more like the crap-eating fox, anyway…"

**Foxes ****cache**** excess food, burying it for later consumption, usually under leaves, snow, or soil**.

"You shouldn't let him do that, Sonic," Knuckles pointed out. "It sounds unhygienic."

"Anybody checked the Thorndykes' garden recently? We shouldn't let him borrow any shovels…"

"I'll be digging your _graves_," Tails grumbled, but to his dismay was unheard over the general laughter.

_**Relationships with humans**_

**Foxes are readily found in cities and cultivated areas and (depending upon species) seem to adapt reasonably well to human presence.**

"Well. Sonic is a garden pest control, I'm supposed to spread rabies and Knuxy here serves as the _hors d'oeuvres_, if I remember correctly. You know, I'm starting to think humans are pretty self-centred that they have to see everything only in relation to them," Rouge stated, crossing her arms. There was a general murmur of agreement, even if none dared to point out that the white-furred bat had pretty much described her _own_ attitude marvelously well there.

**Fox attacks on humans are not common but have been reported.**

Knuckles frowned. "Attacks? As in, several? I mean, if you discount the time Tails forcibly ejected Chris from the _Tornado_, screaming '_I am Sonic's sidekick, you screen-time stealing bastard! I AM!_' then you can't really talk plural here…"

"Tell me about it," Sonic shrugged. "It's just because every single time they cover us on the news here it's usually GUN trying to frame us for something. I could save the damn planet and it would be called a 'hedgehog attack.'"

"Well, you got to realize that the last time you had to save the planet it actually _was_ because of a hedgehog attack…" Rouge gestured with her hand at a still aloof Shadow.

"Hmph. I was only trying to save humanity from itself."

"You blew up half of the moon."

"It needed very radical saving."

"Riiiiight. Moving along…." The pink hedgehog's voice was only a bit higher than usual.

_**Fox hunting**_

**Main article: ****Fox hunting**

You could have heard a burger dropping.

"What?!" Rouge exclaimed.

"Have they gone _insane_?" Even Knuckles was shocked.

"Let's leave this planet. Like, yesterday," Amy suggested, but nevertheless kept on reading, everybody focused on her in morbid curiosity.

**Fox hunting is a controversial sport that originated in the ****United Kingdom**** in the 16th century.**

"Controversial? _Controversial?_!" Tails repeated. "Genocide is 'controversial' to them? I can't believe this…"

**Hunting with dogs is now banned in the United Kingdom, though hunting without dogs is still permitted.**

"Oh, that's great! No dogs! Only guns and, I dunno, flame throwers and splinter grenades, because otherwise it would be _controversial_!" Tails seemed to be bordering on the hysterical.

**The sport is practiced in several other countries including Australia, Canada, France, Ireland, Italy, Russia and the United States. **

"Err…which country are we in, again?" Rouge frowned. "You gotta wonder why not even the President around here mentioned the name…"

Sonic shrugged. "Dunno. Could be the States, but since this show is only tolerable with subs, I'd chance it is Japan…"

There was a collective sigh of relief. Tails especially, who thought hunting whales was just dandy as long as his two namesakes were safe.

**Fox Hunting has been frowned upon in more recent times**** – **

"_Frowned_ upon – okay, that's it. Shadow, go decimate the population of this city and I want to hear how they talk about it in the news that that was 'frowned upon.'" Tails was breathing heavily, pointing out of the window at innocent passers-by unaware that Wikipedia had just likely caused their demise.

"Shadow, _don't_!" Sonic immediately moved to intercept the black hedgehog and shot a stern glance at Tails. "And you, stop telling him stuff like this! You know he takes every order literally!"

The black hedgehog glanced at him sternly. "But I have to! Otherwise, how will I find out about my past?"

"In your past you were mainly busy trying to get your name legally changed to 'Faker'. Now _sit down_!"

**Domestication**

**Main article: **_**Domesticated Silver Fox**_

At which point Tails started screaming again and the others agreed that maybe, just for now, they should stop reading or hunting would have been kinder than this.

_To be continued…_

_

* * *

_Heh, alive and typing again...I guess I should apologize for the sudden lack in regular updates, but yeah...surprise trip to switzerland, new zealand guests invading my house, a high-speed collision with a tree on a sled in the alps (that was me on the sled, not the tree...) and my first ever uni exams do tend to leave their mark on a human schedule...which also accounts for the missing christmas special this time around.(drop) It's almost finished now though and will be up in ten months, tho, if that's any help. XD

But yeah, hope anyone still reads this and found it something to laugh about. :) Regular updates - as in, once a week, almost every week should resume again, at least until I'm off to Austria. Let's see whether we can't get Shadow's lifestory, the Arabian Nights and the adventures with a certain time-travelling Doctor on Mobius finished, huh? ;) Now to get on that gigantic pile of PMs that is threatening to explode my inbox...:P

SO happy to be back and if you read, please review?^^


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